Pig Tails and Pig Tales

Somehow I've gotten a little turned around, and here it is Thursday and I've only named 2 winners. I'll try to post up 2 today, so we're all caught up.
The AM Winner is a neighbor, friend, and fellow food fan. She made a name for herself at City Year, where she dispelled any notions of generational apathy, and got to wear thweet outfits. Check for her soon at a Quizzo game near you. She'll be the one getting all the Golden Girls questions right. Rib fans, Michiko Hunt:




1. Which rapper would you most like to eat a BBQ feast with, and why? (I realize that this question skews a little young. If you were born before 1960, and can name a living rapper besides Eminem, Puff Daddy, or Snoop Dog, I'll give you credit.)
Dr. Dre for a number of reasons: He's very smart, and would probably have pretty interesting things to say about what's going on in the world. He's been famous for a real long time, so he's gotta be full of all kinds of good stories about wild'n out with other famous people- ya know, the time he and Eazy-E had sex with Madonna....when he and Snoop got high with Bill Clinton.... He's bad ass, so your meal wouldn't be interrupted by annoying autograph seekers or paparazzi- he could just shoo them away with a disapproving glare (and possibly a gat)

2 - Is Willie Nelson the coolest man to ever sport a ponytail?
Yes. although I think the question should be, "is Willie Nelson the coolest person ever sport two long braids, a la 'Heidi' ?" in which case the answer would be HELL YES.

3 - If Benjamin Franklin were alive today, what would he invent?
Hmmm... this one is tough. perhaps some kind of intelligence test for anyone running for office? That, or he would help me patent and perfect one of my many million dollar ideas, (doubledate.com, head tents for sunbathers...)

4 - What will it take to get Ann Coulter to shut up?
Again, a tough one. I think falling madly in love with a half black/half Mexican man with a lesbian socialist mom would probably help her.... but since that's probably not likely to happen my second guess would be to just ignore every racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Semitic, ignorant, anti-American, bigoted word that comes out of her mouth, as all she really is an attention seeking freak show and not paying attention to her would be the ultimate punishment. Ok, i gotta win some free music for that!! also, i need to get my glass lasagna dish from your house- think it's been there since your holiday potluck....

Congratulations, Michi! You win a free CD, and since I'm in a giving mood, I'm gonna throw is a high-tech, multi-platform lasagna dish. I might even deliver it to your home. But I wouldn't bank on that.

Tofu BBQ?

Tonight's winner is an old friend, yet someone I've never had the pleasure if charring the flesh with. He's a martial arts specialist, future Golden Globe winner, and possessor of the type of mustache that makes Mr. Pringle cower in shame. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Stylish Brigham.









1. Which rapper would you most like to eat a BBQ feast with, and why? (I realize that this question skews a little young. If you were born before 1960, and can name a living rapper besides Eminem, Puff Daddy, or Snoop Dog, I'll give you credit.)
Fat Boys - just 'cause. Definitely a choice of novelty. M-1 and stic.man of dead prez - hope to have some interesting conversation and I'm pretty sure they are vegetarian like myself (I realize this to most likely be the biggest sin in the BBQ world and will perhaps qualify me for a public ridicule but let me say: those of you without sin may cast the first rib). The choice I'd probably go with would be RZA: even if we did not share common ground with our diets (though he's been known to dabble) we could consume various herbs and tonics while discussing martial arts, movies and Jim Jarmusch flicks - all interests we definitely share. Actually, I am now officially pescatarian - perhaps fish is my "gateway drug." But what I really want to say about BBQ is this: although I have not tasted with mine tongue the side of a pig, I have spread, with mine own hand, various secret sauces and rubs on the tasty (I hear) animal flesh and of course enjoyed all other elements of bbq culture. I will say, though happy with being raised vegetarian, the bbq has always been the one place that amongst the laughter, the drinking, the food-induced stupor, I have, indeed, felt a twinge of sadness and loneliness for not knowing what it is to taste the tangy (or not so much depending on geographical location) flesh of the pig or cow.


2 - Is Willie Nelson the coolest man to ever sport a ponytail?
If the top-knot of the samurai does not count then, perhaps, yes. I must say I am unsure on this one. Can you be sure that Benny F. never tied his back-flap up to get down to it?

3 - If Benjamin Franklin were alive today, what would he invent?
Using his past accomplishments as a guide I might say his interests would take him to harnessing the power of alternative energy. Possibly something related to the medical field - early detection for some presently incurable disease. Or lastly, he might preach a return to simplicity and articulately explain to the world how our thirst for constant "advancement" has taken us farther and farther away from the point of it all.

4 - What will it take to get Ann Coulter to shut up?
After thinking about it for a bit I am inclined to say laryngitis. She's a political Howard Stern - she can't really "get in trouble" for anything she says, it only helps her publicity. Some of her other quotes:

"I think [women] should be armed but should not vote... women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. They have a lot of ideas on how to spend it... it's always more money on education, more money on child care, more money on day care."

"It would be a much better country if women did not vote. That is simply a fact. In fact, in every presidential election since 1950 - except Goldwater in '64 - the Republican would have won, if only the men had voted."

"I'm a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it."


Thanks for playing Si. Look out for your CD in the mail. Well, first, how bout you send me your address. Then come on up to Philly and have a nice side of bacon. By the way, you may not remember this (I try to tell you only every other time we see each other) but many years ago I told you that Spiderman's story could be turned into a great movie. See what happened? Well, I've got another one for you, but this is the last freebie. Holler. Orange.
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And Now for the Winners...

Over the next two weeks, excluding Fridays, I'll be unveiling the winners of the First Annual Rib Report Trivia Contest. We had a wide range of entries, with some really insightful (and some potentially "inciteful") responses. Hey winners: Thanks for playing. You'll be getting a copy of "High on the Hog, Vol I" in the mail, under your door, or in the case of those of you overseas, when you bring your butts back home.

Two things before we get into today's winning response: Go Hoyas! Happy Birthday Walter!

Now, today's winner is someone close to my heart. A native of Arkansas, she's lived all over the world, from Turkey to Delaware, with a long stint in DC and surrounding environs. She's soon to embark on a new journey to most exotic locale of them all: Canada. Without question the most loyal Rib Report reader, she's also a font of ideas and constructive criticism. I present to you Anne Yarbrough, aka Rib Mother.

1. Which rapper would you most like to eat a BBQ feast with, and why? (I realize that this question skews a little young. If you were born before 1960, and can name a living rapper besides Eminem, Puff Daddy, or Snoop Dog, I'll give you credit: Tupac Shakur, because with barbeque it really shouldn't matter whether you are dead or alive. (Isn't there barbeque in heaven? It could be the ultimate Welcome Table.) And I'd like to look into his soul with all the hype stripped away. which I assume is what you do in heaven.
2. Is Willie Nelson the coolest man to ever sport a ponytail? Naw, I'd go for another redheaded southerner who never picked up a guitar but wrote words that sing, who was a conflicted guy on sex and race but at least was alive, who went into debt to pay for all the projects that kept tumbling out of his brain, and kept a Koran in his library, perhaps looking forward to the day that the first Muslim would be elected to Congress.and need to borrow it.
3. If Benjamin Franklin were alive today, what would he invent? The lovely thing about Franklin was he didn't believe in patents. He invented things and then just gave them to the world. So ... maybe ... Project Gutenberg? Google? Lexis Nexis? Something free and no strings attached.
4. What will it take to get Ann Coulter to shut up? Hmmm ...Greg says people stopped interrupting sports events by streaking after the cameras stopped following them. Why does the media track her at all? She needs to go the way of OJ Simpson. Just. stop. looking.

Great answers Mom. Be on the lookout for that CD, coming your way soon.

Tomorrow, another winner gets their just dues, right here on the Rib Report.

Rib Madness

Just in time for the tourney, The Rib Report presents the Ultimate Good Eatin' Guide to the NCAA tournament. The following are my picks for the Sweet 16, based entirely on the school's relevance to the BBQ world. Enjoy, but I'd caution you against using these picks for more than recreational purposes.



Midwest:
Florida: BBQ Gator? Could be incredible
Davidson: Gotta have someone representing NC style que.
Winthrop: Put some mustard sauce on this trendy upset pick from South Carolina .
Georgia Tech: A bunch of southern engineers could develop the ultimate grill.

West:
Kentucky: The Bluegrass state has its own BBQ delicacy - mutton. I can't wait to try some.
Southern Illinois: Actually something of a BBQ hotbed - 17th St. BBQ is Murphysboro is renowned.
Pittsburgh: What do we cook over? A Pitt. Nuff said.
UCLA: We've all seen the "Nothin But A G Thang" video, right? They got ribs in L.A.

East:
Marquette: Milwaukee's actually supposed to have some decent que. Plus I love me a brat or 7.
Arkansas: Wooo! Pig, Sooey! The Razorbacks have to be the favorite in any pork-based tournament.
Oral Roberts: "Oral: of, pertaining to, or involving the mouth." Sounds like an eatin' school.
Belmont: Comin out of Nashville, with a star named Boomer, these boys can punish a buffet.

South:
Xavier: Cincinnati might not have BBQ, but it's known for its chili, which is a BBQ cousin.
Tennessee: I've been to the Volunteer State. There's food a plenty down there.
Texas A&M: The Aggies can manufacture a super-cow, yielding the most succulent of briskets.
Memphis: Any school with its own style of que is bound to go far in this tourney.

This can't be what Gloria Steinam had in mind

This article appeared in various news publications Monday. Apparently the rate of eating disorders among men is rising dramatically, with the culprit being - hold your breath here - the oft maligned, but never truly disavowed, ideal body type. Oh happy day. It seems that we're inching our way ever closer to equality between the sexes. And what a horrific equality it's shaping up to be: gaunt, malnourished skeletors roaming our city's sushi bars and gyms, obsessing over every calorie and gazing longingly at discarded pizza crusts on the streets. Hell, between ab-obsessed urbanites and Wal-Mart fueled exurban grease receptacles, Al Quada can just sit back and watch the show. Conservatives often claim that we don't have the backbone to fight terrorists, but the truth is we just plain don't have the energy.

Now we all know someone with an eating disorder, and its obviously not a joking matter (though the premise of male eating disorders is sure to draw a snicker or two, just as we make off-hand comments about man-on-man prison rape. Vulnerable men, such good fodder for jokes.) So the question is, will this development lead to a rise in empathy among men for the societal pressures placed on women to look a certain way? Or will the prevalence of chiseled boy toys lead to an arms (and stomach, and pecs) race of sorts? My money's on the latter. Look, as much as we'd like to pretend otherwise, guys are very susceptible to peer pressure. If everyone else is wearing a size 32 (and getting laid by that size 0 girl) its gonna be hard to resist the temptation. Just hit the gym an extra 3 hours a day, lay off anything with taste, and occasionally hit the toilet for a nice boot. You can blame it on too much Smirnoff Ice.

What I found most interesting about this story is the notion that while women who have disorders are typically obsessed with achieving an, "ideal weight," for men the driving force is the desire to have washboard abs. Damn you Usher. I actually wrote a paper about this very subject for a college class, though I see the researchers neglected to cite my work. A portion is excerpted below:

Judging from the evidence found in men's health magazines and my own experience as a male in our society, the ideal male body looks something like this: it is white, or more precisely bronze. It is tall, slim, but well built. There is a specific emphasis on well-developed upper body muscles, and one cannot forget the all-important abdominal region. The ideal male is clean cut with brown hair, though this is not a necessity. Not only this, but the ideal male body comes equipped with accessories, such as stylish clothes and status signifying cars. Achieving this ideal type is hard work but it can be obtained, we are told, with the proper lifestyle and the right purchases. This combination is crucial, for it reminds men that any failure to achieve physical perfection is our own fault.

My take is that this is a market-driven phenomenon. As long as there's money to be made on feeding into our insecurities, we're gonna be pummeled with images that, while perhaps attainable, are certainly not healthy. Let's be honest here: men's health magazines don't give a damn about our health any more than Cosmo is concerned with maintaining the psychological well-being of women. They want money. And just as a desire to achieve the perfect weight can lead a woman to purchase questionable products, the need to flex the perfect stomach on the beach can result in men utilizing dubious tactics.

I say enough. If you're one of my more testosterone-inclined readers, take heed: the "self-improvement" industry is on the hunt, and they've got you in their targets. Can you imagine how many more bowflexes will get sold if we can just get the rate of eating disorders among men equal to that of women? It's a veritable gold-mine. So how do we fight back? For starters, have some BBQ tonight. Close it out with a side of greens and some cornbread. Next, tell your girlfriend, or boyfriend, how much you love having a little cushion for the pushin. For real, the only folks who like their partners all skin and bones are necrophiliacs, pedophiles, and indie-rockophiles. Finally, and I know its a cliche, but try to love yourself. Whether man or woman, you're damn sure a lot more than the sum of your measurements. Personally, I love pulled pork and hush puppies, and the resulting tummy is more than a fair trade-off for the happiness I feel when a bunch of friends are over grubbing down on a nice pig shoulder. Is BBQ the path to enlightenment? Gandhi would probably disagree. But I tell you this much: while you're spending all your waking hours doing pilates and looking at your belly in the mirror, life is happening, and its a lot of fun. If you really want to buck the system, have some candied yams. Then go work for Obama.

"I got techniques, drippin out my buttcheeks...

sleep on my stomach so I don't fuck up my sheets."

Lyrical brilliance. It doesn't seem like 10 years since BIG got got. Wouldn't it be great if the powers that be were as meticulous about finding Biggie's killer as they are about finding lost white girls? I guess he'd still be dead regardless, though.

Just got a few little tidbits for today. I received this story from several of you, and appreciate your looking out for the Report. It's a good read, and makes me think that another up north trip is due.

Towards the end of the story, the author goes on something of a tangent about the effects of BBQ, and how a real good meal should make you want to, "slap your pappy," among other thing. This idea speaks to the very primal, almost neanderthalic appeal of smoked meat. And speaking of neanderthals, check out this story. Apparently these guys are getting their own sitcom. Hallelujah.

And finally, a Rib Report Quiz update. The responses continue to flood* in, and there are some great answers. I'll start posting top entries sometime next week, but there are still chances to win. And just to up the ante, I'll have you know that your copy of "High on the Hog, Vol I," will come with a special limited edition cover, designed by a soon-to-be renowned artist. These are sure to be great conversational fodder at your next Tupperware party. (On a wholly unrelated note, if any of you artistic types want to, I don't know, design a CD cover or something, holler at me.) Email ribreporter@gmail.com with your quiz answers for your chance to win.

The inaugural, "Rack of the Week" will be announced sometime this weekend. Stay tuned for what is sure to become the most talked about internet phenomenon since the Khalid El-Amin sex tape.

R.I.P. B.I.G.

*So I just looked the word "flood" up in Webster's, and in turns out I've been using it wrong all my life. Apparently the word I wanted to use above was "trickle." The responses continue to trickle in. Huh. Now it makes a lot more sense why everyone was so upset about that whole New Orleans situation.

Here's A Little Somethin' to Smoke To

Now in my younger days, a title such as the one above would no doubt be referring to an extralegal activity, rather than a time-honored method of preparing meats and cheeses. It's true, friends, relatives, and prospective employers, that I have on occasion indulged in the wackiest of tobaccies. But these days the only weights I worry about are those of the pork shoulders I buy, and the only sticky-icky that crosses these lips is tomato-based. That's right y'all, I'm gettin high on the hog.

Whether you're indulging in a fat sack or a fat rack, though, its always crucial to have some activities to occupy you. To really barbecue something takes time - we're speaking in terms of days here, folks, not hours - but not a ton of actual work, so you'll need something to help pass the time. A crossword is always nice, and you can't go wrong with the Washington Post (or if you're still stuck on status over substance, the New York Times.) I've heard tell of people who spend their BBQ time imbibing libations, but that can get pretty dangerous, what with the fire, and the knives, and the cell phone full of ex-girlfriends' numbers. I'll take a tall glass of lemonade, please, extra pulp.

Regardless of how you choose to pass the time, music should be involved. If well constructed, your playlist can set the tone for a perfect day, transporting you to a place where cares disappear like wisps of smoke in the afternoon sky, and pigs frolic in rivers of hot sauce. Wow, we've come full-circle to the hallucinogens. But while you'll be just as hungry after smoking a Boston butt as you would be after a Phillie Blunt, and while friends and neighbors might still come around unannounced once they smell the aroma, you can be sure that no one ever got fired for having too much BBQ sauce in his urine.

Here's a playlist I might use to get in the mood. Unfortunately, I don't know how to post music on this site yet, but see below for a chance to win some great tunes from the Rib Report.

• Soul Food (Remix) - Goodie Mob featuring 8 Ball and MJG: Before the most slept on group of all time broke up and Cee-Lo went "crazy", Goodie Mob made this classic paean to good grub. Here they're joined by the fat Mack and MJG, "comin' funky as a pot of chitlins," over a smoothed out beat.
• Backyard Mississippi - 8 Ball and MJG featuring Goodie Mob: These guys play so well together, I couldn't choose just one song. Off of 8 Ball's "Lost", this is simultaneously a joyful ode to, and brutal condemnation of, the American south. If you want to know what ever happened to The Blues, check this out.
• Breakin' Bread: The JB's - A funky, fun, tribute to eating together. Should be mandatory for every potluck. Plus Fred Wesley shouts out his "Cousin Amos," on this track.
• Skew it on the Barbie - Outkast featuring Raekwon: Just as "Bombs over Baghdad" has nothing to do with war in the middle east, and "Rosa Parks" has no connection to the civil rights movement, this song is not at all about cooking on a grill. But the name alone merits its inclusion. Grammarians and guardians of proper English have heart attacks when Raekwon raps.
  
• Back to the Grill - MC Serch featuring Nas, Chubb Rock, and Red Hot Lover Tone: After 3rd Bass, before "The White Rapper Show," Serch made one solo album. Back then no one paid attention, but the Shambolics' Simple Hip-Hop Formula (if it was made between 92 and 96 its probably dope) applies here. Besides a great name, this song features a very young Nas. Plus you know Chubb Rock can get down on some ribs.
• Wind Parade - Donald Byrd, Morning Sunrise - Weldon Irvine: Sometimes you need to just lean back and stare into the clouds. These songs will make you feel great about doing just that.
• Melting Pot - Booker T and the MGs, Soul Pot - The Soul Ones: At some point in the day you're gonna want to retreat to the kitchen and get working on a batch of sauce for your hunk of meat. These joints will keep you bubblin as you tend to your cauldron.
• Fire - Ohio Players, Burning Too - Fugazi, Burning Down the House - Talking Heads: Should you choose not to heed my advice, and instead dive headlong into the Schlitz, you may find yourself with a situation on your hands. These tracks will get your adrenaline pumping as the flames gently kiss the low-hanging roof deck next door and you scramble out of the kitchen with a colander full of water.
• Blackwater - The Doobie Brothers: "I ain't got no worries, cuz I ain't in no hurry." The BBQers mantra if you ask me. This is from an album called "What Were Once Vices are Now Habits," which my dad thinks is one of the better album names ever. The band was an integrated bunch of long-haired, mellow dudes. Wonder what that name was all about, though.
  

Now, to try and drum up a little interactivity, its the first ever Rib Report Quiz. The first 8 people to provide convincing answers to the following questions will win a copy of "High on the Hog, Vol. I" which includes the aforementioned songs plus more smokin hits. (Just don't tell the RIAA.)

1. Which rapper would you most like to eat a BBQ feast with, and why? (I realize that this question skews a little young. If you were born before 1960, and can name a living rapper besides Eminem, Puff Daddy, or Snoop Dog, I'll give you credit.)
2. Is Willie Nelson the coolest man to ever sport a ponytail?
3. If Benjamin Franklin were alive today, what would he invent?
4. What will it take to get Ann Coulter to shut up?

Submit all answers to ribreporter@gmail.com. Winners will be announced once there are some

Slow, low, Sunday

It's been a busy week life-wise, hence a slow week blog-wise. Thanks to those of you who send emails and post comments - its fun to read what you all have to say. That's why today I'm introducing a new element to this blog: The Pork Patrol.

I have friends across the country, the majority of whom eat food. I know that my sensibilities coincide with many of yours, and that you're all intelligent, creative, people. So I'm inviting you to join the Rib Report street squad, spreading the gospel of good food, comfortable environments, and sensible prices. I figure between all of us we can clue each other in to some pretty great spots to grab a bite to eat and check out some local flavor. Eating establishments are not limited to BBQ - there are just too many sumptuous vittles out there to be limiting our consumptive habits. I've created an email account, ribreporter@gmail.com, for your various food related musings. Send 'em on over and I'll post them, with the caveat that I may do some minor editing (I've emailed with you guys - y'all are real smart but some of you sure can't spell.) Looking forward to seeing what sort of great, and not so great, eating experiences you all have to share.

Coming this week on the Rib Report:

• The inagural edition of the Rack of the Week.
• Music to Smoke To
• A few cool food-related sites to share.
• And more.